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I Am Challenging Nick Miller to a Fight

Dear Nick Miller,

This is your formal invitation that you have been summoned to a one-on-one fight. I'm going to knock the fiction out of you. Recently, I have started watching New Girl. Don't get me wrong; the show is excellent. Well, it's more than excellent. It is possibly the top show in the history of television, and your character is perfect in every way. However, that's beside the point. There is a fire that is burning deeper within my soul than the pizza roll that burned my esophagus when I was 18 years old. This fire will not consume me any longer. I cannot think of a better way to settle OUR, yes our, beef than to go toe to toe at Fight Island on national television. You cannot hide behind Jake Johnson, any longer. You stole my idea. I am 6'5'' 260 pounds of muscle, and you do not want to mess with me. Actually, I just described Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Regardless, you do not want a piece of me.

I have had about seven great ideas in my entire life, and you have stolen one of them from me. That's 14 percent of my great ideas for crying out loud. That only leaves me with 86% of them, including an indoor drive-in movie theater and opening up a dugong sanctuary. Damn, you got me to reveal 28 more percent of my ideas. Now, I'm left with only 58% of my original ideas, you monster. It doesn't matter because you stole my best idea. My best idea was...

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Sorry, I'm not letting you out of the woods that easily. One of my great ideas was to write a novel, of my own. While I have not written this novel, one of the foundational ideas was to include a random word search in the middle of the book. On one of the episodes of New Girl (you know which episode, I do not need to bother you with minuscule details) wouldn't you know it: you decided to tell the world that you should, "Put a word search in the middle of your novel for no apparent reason!"

On a frigid, winter day in 2016, a thought provoked me: "What if I write a book and just put a word search in it?" I did a fist pump into the sky and chuckled to myself. Boom, my million dollar idea.

While I do not know how you stole this idea from me, I simply do not care to hear your excuses. Nick Miller, again not Jake Johnson, it is time to settle our differences now. Either you revoke the idea and give credit where it's due, or you leave us no choice but to brawl. The terms of the bout are outlined below. Choose wisely.

"I, Nick Miller, give the sole ownership of having random word searches in their novels. I am sorry that I stole 14 percent, plus the newly revealed 28%, of their great ideas. I will re-record all seven seasons of New Girl, as well.


"I, Nick Miller, will fight on national television for the sole rights of having word searches in the winning party's novels.


Your move, Nick.

Unsincerely, sincerely,

Rainked Dot Com III

Disclaimer: This article is a work of fiction. cannot physically fight anyone. It is a website.

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