While this may be the shittiest blog of all time (It will be for at least one more year because the domain was just renewed), Kong vs Godzilla might be the shittiest movie of all time. It did not matter that I hadn't seen the other three or so movies. Missing the first 16 minutes of this movie had zero effect on the review either. However, could it be possible that the reason the movie was so terrible, was because it was a really a romantic drama in the making, not a sci-fi action movie? The answer is absolutely.
Good GODzilla! How could we all be so dumb and unaware? Have we become so desensitized that we didn't see the one in a Godzillian love connection that was right in front of us the entire time? This sets up the sequel beautifully. Below is the storyboard.
King Kong awoke from his deep slumber, by the alarm of the mix tape that his cousin, Donkey Kong, had created. While his alarm usually drove him bananas (HA), today was going to be the best day of his entire life: he was going to ask his beautiful girlfriend, Godzilla, to be his wife. He had the perfect day planned. He was going to have a candle lit dinner, followed a heartfelt poem, and then finally he would peel the question.
It would officially become both of them against the world; literally nobody stood a chance if they teamed up. Kong was so nervous about the execution of his plan, so he called Kong's best friend, Small Foot (Big Foot post-fitness journey) to help him set up the entire day.
King Kong nervously stumbled out of bed, and went down to pour himself a bowl of bananas. To his horror, Godzilla had bought the value banana Runts, instead. However, it did not matter. He was on a mission. King Kong ate his runts, and started to head out the door, when he heard Godzilla trudge down the stairs. King Kong began to go bananas. He was so nervous. Here was their exchange:
Godzilla: Good morning.
Godzilla: Yes, I know you like bananas.
Kong: BA NA NA.
Godzilla: Yes, I heard you the first time.
Godzilla: Okay, you crossed the line, now I'm pissed.
Godzilla: Okay, we're in a fight.
Kong: *Storms out the door sobbing*
Godzilla: What has gotten into him?
Kong was going...crazy. He was...crazy about Godzilla. He wanted to say the b word, his favorite word, but he couldn't for some reason. He focused once more and with all his might he said. "BITCH." Damn it, that was not the word he was trying to say. What was wrong with Kong? Love can do weird things. He called Little Foot and told her to meet him at the hotel.
Kong and Little Foot spent the entire day, preparing for the proposal. They picked up the ring from his other cousin, Ring Kong's jewelry shop. Later, they made a beautiful arrangement of Godzilla's favorite flowers and made the hotel room absolutely beautiful. As both he and Little Foot were finishing setting up the room, Kong gave Little Foot a huge hug. "Thank you," Kong said to Little Foot.
At that very moment, Godzilla stormed into the room, as both Kong and Little Foot finished their embrace.
Apparently, Godzilla had been driving by the hotel and had noticed Kong's custom ride, in the parking lot. She immediately became suspicious and walked into the hotel room, only to see a trail of banana runts lead her to Kong's room.
Before Kong could explain, Godzilla felt her inner layer of plutonium begin to form. She was able to show them both what toxicity really looked like. "No, I'm passed that stage of my life," she thought, as she exhaled. She sadly left the room and went to live with her mother.
Kong became an absolute wreck, over the next couple of weeks. He was going bananas, and bananas weren't appealing anymore. Godzilla wouldn't hear him out, or answer any of his calls. Why should she? He had taken all off the banana runts and hadn't offered her any. Even worse, he had shared his runts with Big Foot, basically cheating on Godzilla.
While he had not initiated the move, he had realized that he had lead Big Foot on and had betrayed Godzilla. This was his full responsibility. How could he possibly make it up to Godzilla How could he convince her that there was a big misunderstanding? He knew what he had to do. There was only one sensible thing that he could do to win back the love of his life.
ACT Whichever Roman Numeral Comes Next
Kong went to Werewolf's, his local tattoo shop. Werewolf was the best in the business. Sadly, he was out for the week visiting Hollywolf. Kong didn't have time to wait. His relationship was at stake. He saw a random guy sitting in the waiting room. Little did he know it was me Rainked.com's worst, Jordan Dynes. Kong Kong was desperate though and started a conversation with him.
Kong: Can you give me a tattoo?
Jordan: Are you King Kong?
Kong: Yes, I am.
Jordan: I saw your movie, and it was the shittiest movie of all time.
Kong: Well that's coming from the guy with the shittiest blog of all time. Can you give me a tattoo?
Jordan: Say less. Just please shoutout rainked.com.
Kong arrived at Mama Zilla's house. "The tattoo has to win her over right?" Kong thought. Godzilla opened the door, and Kong Kong poured out his heart to her.
Kong: "Godzilla, I'm so sorry for what happened. I know how bad it looked, but please know I that you are my everything. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You made me a changed man. I promise that if you give me a chance, I will never let you down again, and I will always be the King (Kong) you deserve. I just need you to know that I love you. I will always fight for you. Will you marry me?"
Godzilla: "No. You really hurt me."
Kong: *starts to read his Haiku poem, titled "The Lone Banana" *
The lone Banana.
The banana, so alone.
The lone Banana.
Godzilla: "Still no."
Kong: *Shows her his tattoo.*
Godzilla: *Stares at Kong in disbelief*
Kong: "Oh shit, I almost forgot to shoutout Rainked.com's Jordan Dynes for the tattoo."
Godzilla: "Wait, you got a tattoo from the guy who writes for the worst blog of all time? You must truly love me. I understand that it was a big misunderstanding. Let's work on our communication. I will marry you. I accept.
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
There is no epilogue. This sequel has been dragging on for too long. At least it was better than the original movie.