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Spirited Away: The Worst, Best Movie Ever

Updated: May 28, 2020

Based on the title of the article, it would be safe to assume that this article will be about the movie Spirited Away. While assuming usually can make an "ass" out of "u" and "me", you are lucky that I am trustworthy. If you have have watched the movie, I am so sorry. If you have never watched this movie, I encourage you to do one of two things:

  1. Log off of your phone or computer screen immediately. Forget you ever stumbled upon this article. Forget Spirited Away.

  2. Read the article, and listen to the warning that I am about to bestow upon you about this TRAUMATIZING MOVIE.

I want to make a couple of things clear, and give you all a little bit of background information. I can appreciate that Rotten Tomatoes gave this movie a 96% rating. I understand that it's regarded by many, as one of the best animated films of all time. I totally get that it grossed 278 million dollars at the box offices and that critics loved it. I am here to be the brave person that Rainks (Wow, I'm so clever) this movie as the WORST movie of all time. I am a very empathetic and understanding individual that sees both sides to most things. However, I will argue until the end of time that this movie is horrible. Before I tell you why, I have to give you the following disclaimer: this article will have spoilers in it. I hate when people spoil movies. In fact, I will be writing an article about it in the future. Spirited Away deserves to be spoiled.

On a chilly, September afternoon in 2002, six-year-old Jordan learned that he would be going to the movies. I have always loved going to the movies. I love the popcorn, and I especially love the frozen cookie dough bites. On this day, my mom took me to see Spirited Away. It was a cartoon movie, supposedly. Little did I know, that this would turn into my ultimate nightmare.

The movie started off innocently enough. A family stumbled upon an abandoned amusement park. Everything seemed all good. I was zoned into the movie screen, and I was ready for a good time. However, the movie soon spiraled out and became out of control. The little girl in the movie's mom and dad turned into.........

TRIVIA TIME: Who puts trivia in an article that people are getting bored of reading. That's right I do! This isn't even a clickbait article because you are already here. It's reverse clickbait. Anyways, do you think the answer is:

A. Dogs

B. Jaguars

C. Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Jennifer Aniston (PLEASE BE C)


The answer is A, is what I wish that I could say. As I mentioned previously in the article, I am trustworthy, so I will not lie to you The correct answer is not B or C. The actual answer is D. Let me get this straight; in a movie that is rated PG, the movie producers decided to turn a child's parents into pigs. The one thing from journalism school that will always stick with me is to know your audience. For example, this article's audience is everyone. I know that everyone will either like this article, or they will not. Regardless, I care about all of you. Spirited Away clearly didn't know that this movie would scar young children everywhere.

Shortly after the pig transformation scene blinded me, I screamed in the movie theater at the top of my lungs and told my mom that we needed to leave. She said that if we left, then we could never go to the movies again. Mom, if you're reading this, I don't blame you, I blame the film. The next hour and a half was a blur. So what if the parents turned back into humans; the damage had been done.

If that movie hadn't been created, there is zero doubt in my mind that I would have been working for NASA right now, or qualified for the GATE program. At the very least, I would have won a Pulitzer prize by now. However, I have come to realize that my purpose is much bigger than all of that. If I can save one person from watching this movie, then my job here is done. Don't listen to the 96% of people who loved the movie. Don't listen to the critics. Critics never love movies. That's why they are called critics. Listen to the person who has a bachelor's degree in journalism from the Harvard of the west itself: The University of Nevada.

Also, if you skipped to the bottom of the article, then just look at the picture below. This will make you not want to watch the movie.

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