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The Return of (Mario) Baseball

Updated: Apr 18, 2021

By: Jordan Dynes and Hugh Tomasello

BASEBALL IS BACK! Well, Mario Baseball that is. In a world with no live sports happening, we are here to satisfy your craving for the highest level of competition. Two of the self-proclaimed best Mario Baseball players in the world unite to bring you the most anticipated series in the history of America’s pastime. Jordan, a former Chili’s host, and Hugh, the player who scored the winning-run in the 2015 Intramural Wiffle Ball World Series, face off in a best-of-seven matchup that will keep you on the edge of your seat the entire time.

They were friends in 2015 when they won the intramural wiffle ball championship. However, today, and probably forever afterwards, they are enemies. Here is how the series will all go down. But first…

Mario Superstar Baseball

Mario Baseball was released on July 21, 2005. Shortly after its release, July 22, 2005 happened. Slowly, time progressed forward until it reached today's date. The game consists of 32 characters from the Mario franchise. This brought together sports fans and video game enthusiasts everywhere to create an innovative and everlasting experience.

Roster and Draft Format

Before drafting our teams, we each picked our captains. We then assembled our rosters through a snake draft. The draft consisted of 16 picks who had hopes of becoming the next…

Bartolo Colón!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Draft Process

Since Jordan has six letters in his name and Hugh only has four, Jordan got the first pick of the draft. For those who don’t know, a snake draft basically means that we get back-back-picks, except Jordan opens the draft and ends the draft with a single pick. Here’s how the draft went down, in case you missed the televised event on truTV.

The Draft with Analysis:

Team Captain: Bowser - Right Field:

Jordan’s breakdown: Bowser is not only the second best captain in sports history (Behind Cricket legend Steve Waugh), but he’s the best general manager in the game today. In fact, he already knows what players he will be choosing before the draft has even begun. His brilliant mind has revolutionized the way that America’s pastime is played today. Also, he hits 600 foot home runs and has an arm that Vladimir Guerrero would be proud of.

Best Case: Vladimir Guerrero and 1995-1996 Bulls Phil Jackson combined.

Worst Case: Albert Pujols’s plantar fasciitis.

Team Captain: Yoshi - Center Field:

Hugh’s breakdown: Unquestionably the best player in Mario Baseball, Yoshi checks every box for what you want to see in a player...or dinosaur. Unrivaled speed, high on-base percentage, a six foot tongue, he may as well be nicknamed the GOAT. His pregame speeches of “YOSHIIII!” are said to inspire the likes of Barack Obama and Gandhi. No need to fact check that, just trust what you’re reading on the forever-reliable Internet.

Best Case: Willie Mays.

Worst Case: Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and Wayne Gretzky didn’t have worst-case scenario, and neither does Yoshi.

1st overall pick: Petey Piranha - Shortstop:

Jordan’s breakdown: A once-in-a-generation athlete that is the reincarnated version of Babe Ruth. His positive test in college for Vitamin C had scared off some rival executives, but Petey successfully proved that the results were due to him being a plant. Petey exemplifies being the ball, especially since he can’t see the ball. He doesn’t have eyes. This won’t stop him from leading the team to the championship, damn it.

Best Case: Babe Ruth and Derek Jeter combined.

Worst Case: Red Sox Pablo Sandoval.

2nd overall pick: Donkey Kong - Catcher:

Hugh’s breakdown: One of the most versatile athletes on the field, as he can hit bombs while also tossing five innings when called upon. His special “banana” move makes him a no-brainer for the team’s first pick. However, his boxing glove is rumored to not be regulation, but the jury is still out.

Best Case: A mix of Madison Bumgarner and Christian Yelich.

Worst Case: 2018 Gary Sanchez.

3rd overall pick: Daisy - Shortstop:

Hugh’s breakdown: Having a reliable shortstop changes any defense, and Daisy’s glove between second and third base is arguably the best there is. Her plate discipline, coupled with one of the sweetest swings in the Mushroom Kingdom makes her a must for Yoshi’s squad.

Best Case: Red Sox Nomar Garciaparra.

Worst Case: The Mendoza line could become the “Whatever-The-Hell-Daisy’s-Last-Name-is Line.”

4th overall pick: King Boo - Pitcher:

Jordan’s breakdown: As Bowser’s best friend and the ghost of 1892 legend Bumpus Jones, King Boo instantly becomes the ace of the rotation. The movement on his two seam fastball, combined with his filthy changeup, makes him a force to be reckoned with. Since he’s a ghost, his arm doesn’t get tired. He doesn’t enjoy hikes, and he especially hates the Grand Canyon.

Best Case: 1892 Bumpus Jones.

Worst Case: 2020 Bumpus Jones.

5th overall pick: Boomerang Bro - First Base:

Jordan’s breakdown: Boomerang Bro is a premier first baseman and a mainstay in the heart of the order. With an “all or nothing” mentality and with the ultra-rare Boomerang at his disposal, he’s going to hit a ton of homers, but unfortunately strike out his fair share of times. He would like everyone to know that he’s not a Boomer.

Best Case: Paul Goldschmidt.

Worst Case: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

6th overall pick: Peach - Second Base:

Hugh’s breakdown: This team is based on chemistry, and the middle infield is chalk full of it. Peach’s quick hands and chemistry with Daisy is guaranteed insurance that no one is going to beat out a double play. A reliable bat at the plate makes Peach a complete player.

Best Case: Dottie Hinson from “A League of Their Own.”

Worst Case: Evelyn Gardner from “A League of Their Own.”

7th overall pick: Luigi - Left Field:

Hugh’s breakdown: Contorting his body and spinning on one foot makes Luigi’s game-changing swing comparable to Ken Griffey Jr.’s. His mix of power at the plate and ability to rob the deep ball in left field makes him a prime candidate to sit in the cleanup spot of the lineup. Unfortunately, his fireball special isn’t just the worst in the game, but the worst move in the history of video games.

Best Case: The Kid.

Worst Case: The kid named “Cash Money” from the Little League World Series

8th overall pick: Wario - Catcher/Closer:

Jordan’s breakdown: The team continues to stock up on elite villains and takes Wario with the eight overall pick of the draft. He developed great chemistry with Bowser during their little league days and could be a key piece on this team. His plate discipline is going to make him draw a ton of walks, and he brings even more power to the squad. He would have gone higher in draft, but he is still awaiting a court date for possibly selling Toadsworth performance-enhancing drugs.

Best Case: Alfred “Big Al” Delia. AKA the “I hit dingers” kid.

Worst Case: Hamilton “Ham” Porter from the Sandlot.

9th overall pick: Diddy Kong - Center Field:

Jordan’s breakdown: Diddy Kong is an elite and defensive wizard in centerfield. His speed combined with his rocket strong arm make him one of the premier defenders in the game today. There is nobody on the basepaths better than him. THAT INCLUDES YOSHI, HUGH. However, his hitting is not the best and this could be a cause for concern.

Best Case: Jackie Bradley Jr.

Worst Case: Dodgers Josh Reddick.

10th overall pick: Mario - Right Field:

Hugh’s breakdown: It’s remarkable that the dude who’s name is on the box fell to double digits, but it’s a steal for Yoshi’s team as he completes a stacked outfield. Mario is the most balanced player in the game, boasting average to slightly-above average stats in every category, but his ability to jump off the walls of the outfield to rob homers *literally* elevates his game to a different level.

Best Case: Ichiro Suzuki.

Worst Case: When the ball bounced off Jose Canseco’s head for a home run.

11th overall pick: Boo - Pitcher:

Hugh’s breakdown: One of the most skilled arms in the game, Boo is as reliable as they come on the mound. His velocity leaves something to be desired (give him a break, he doesn’t have any muscle), but the movement on his pitches leaves batters swinging at air. Boo also enjoys hiking and the Grand Canyon.

Best Case: Tim Lincecum when he smoked weed.

Worst Case: Tim Lincecum when he stopped smoking weed.

12th overall pick: Blue Pianta - Left Field:

Jordan’s breakdown: As we approach the tail end of the draft, it is important to take players that have high upside. This beautiful creature arguably has the strongest arm in the game, and this continues to be a trend with this team that values power and arm strength. Pianta’s go-with-the-flow attitude makes this a logical fit with the team. He has mastered shit talking, mostly because nobody ever knows what he’s saying. BLUBIBULULU almost certainly means that Hugh’s team is trash at Mario Baseball. His bat is also a tree trunk that was carved from the mythical Rancho Cucamonga Palm Tree.

Best Case: Ramon Laureano.

Worst Case: He is the worst case. He can only go up from here.

13th overall pick: Red Magikoopa - Third Base:

4th overall pick: King Boo- Pitcher: tail end of the draft, it is important to take players that have one unique skill. Red Magikoopa made quite the impression during his Pro Day and outshined all of the other Magikoopas. His on-base ability would make Billy Bean and Jonah Hill proud. However, he is the slowest creature in history and has opted to wear a cape instead of the team uniform. That’s a bold strategy.

Upside: Kevin Youkilis.

Downside: Anthony Freise from MVP Baseball 2005.

14th overall pick: Toadsworth - First Base:

Hugh’s breakdown: Toadsworth’s chemistry with Peach at second base solidifies the best defensive infield this side of the Mississippi. Offensively, his cane can send the ball into the upper deck, but he is also at least 700 years old so somebody needs to test him to see if he’s juicing. Actually, don’t. The team needs him.

Best Case: Brandon Belt

Worst Case: Brandon Belt

15th overall pick: Goomba - Third Base:

Hugh’s breakdown: A true sleeper pick, Goomba turns into Usain Bolt with the ball in his glove and will win any rundown. In his past, it is rumored that Goomba once tossed a perfect game, but his limited number of mound appearances suggests that this might be fabricated. He (she?) is the ultimate make-or-break character that can lead the team to victory, or make it sorry they ever selected him (her?).

Best Case: No idea. What the hell is a Goomba anyway?

Worst Case: None. There are literally no expectations for him. He was the last pick by Yoshi.

16th overall pick: Monty Mole - Second Base

Jordan’s breakdown: A true sleeper pick, Monty Mole turns into Usain Bolt with the ball in his glove and will win any rundown (Hugh, 2020). This pick was originally supposed to be Shy Guy, but he got cold feet and didn’t register for the draft. You could say that he was shy (OH MY GOSH I’M SO FUNNY) Monty Mole is a speedster and will provide a spark on the bottom of the lineup. He will also play a solid second base. As the estranged son of Petey the Piranha, he’s someone that you don’t want to test.

Best Case: Whit Merrifield.

Worst Case: An actual mole that will dig his way out of the stadium and go do whatever the hell moles do. Maybe this was a bad pick.

Let us know who you will be picking in the best of seven series. Stay tuned for the results of the biggest sporting spectacle that has ever seen.

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